He crossed the dance floor in the middle of a party and came into my direction. He looked at me and asked: “Who are you?” I fell in love. In that moment. I couldn’t feel my legs and was taken by something unspeakable. Just like him. At the same time. I was young and kind of a rebel; he had double my age and was the most charming guy I had seen in my life. Our passion didn’t become love. We didn’t have time. He was murdered and died in my life. I can’t describe what I felt. When someone is sick, somehow you get prepared. I was desperate, overnight. I spent two years “disconnected”. I felt I was no longer part of my own life. In 2011, I suffered a car accident and lost my memory, when I recovered my memories I couldn’t feel anything for a month. I just couldn’t feel love, hate, I didn’t miss anything or anyone. I went to a neurologist and he told me this was common after a trauma. And so I spent two years, feeling nothing. I had been so cheerful all my life, I was numb. I was afraid that would last forever. The passion of my life had passed away and it was gone from my story, and so I thought I couldn’t have a regular life, to marry and have kids.
I was in a grieving process. In the dark.
One day I woke up and decided to try to get better. I did everything I could to return to life and to be who I was before. Psychiatrist, therapy, chocolate, shamanism, shiatsu, I punched pads, the primal scream therapy, traveling, finally…
On a rainy day I found and rescued myself. I cried so much because I understood that I was ready to live and feel again. Contrary to what I thought he had died, but I was still alive.
I laughed again. Laughter is my religion.
I fell in love a few times more. I got married, separated. I married and separated again. I got married, had a beautiful daughter. Separated. I loved again. I cried and laughed with my friends.
I think that humanity is divided into two groups. Those who believe and those who do not believe.
I am part of the first group.
Everything that happened in my life made me who I am and I would not trade all the suffering I had, for not feeling my legs shaking the first time I looked at him and how deep I went for our story. Yes, every passion is a trip to a unique place. Nowadays I don’t suffer for it anymore, I just get emotional for having the opportunity to live such a beautiful story.
I am almost 40 years and I know how hard it is for someone to awake this genuine feeling and that takes us out from ourselves. Then a passion is always worth it, even when it seems no be. And if it can turn love into, it is even better. As Domingos Oliveira says; “Passion is the Himalayas of God.” And how can we give up climbing to the top of the world? When we go up we will come down eventually. Staying up there, it’s impossible most of the time. But after a while, we understand that the most important is the way.